One More Day

The life of a 19 year old mental case living on her own.

Daddy Issues?

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I love my dad. I tell him everything and we’ve gotten very close as I’ve gotten older. However, a comment one of my sexual partners once made to me caused me to reconsider my relationship with my dad. 

After telling him a story he said “Wow, it seems like I only hook up with girls with daddy issues…what does that say about me?” 

Daddy issues? 

So here’s the long story short:

My mom has stage IV breast cancer…the terminal kind. While she underwent chemotherapy my dad found one…or ten women to sleep with online. He ended up dating one. My mom found out and obviously flipped out so on top of her being extremely sick we had to deal with a nasty separation. 

Plus, I learned way too much about my dad’s sex life. Ew. 

My parents have never really “liked” each other, but they’ve always loved me. My dad wasn’t always super present, but when he was he made it count. There was some toxicity and other incidents of cheating but I always felt like that was between my mom and dad. 

Anyway, this guy- we’ll call him Eric- is a major dbag. He treats girls like shit, is way older that any girl he gets with, and is always drugged up. Eric says that all girls with these said “daddy issues” are the same. We’re a little promiscuous, a little freaky, and even less into a relationship than he is. We just want to please. 

Everyone who I actually have dated has ended up treating me horribly, and I feed off of it. My psychiatrist wants to put me in therapy solely because of my destructive relationship patterns. When trying to find the root of the issue, her sights were immediately set on my dad. 

Am I THAT girl with “daddy issues”? 

Ho Hey- The Lumineers

Here’s an easy little tune. If you need a quick song to learn on piano this should only take about 20 minutes.

It’s not my Fault I’m Stoned

The question “are you stoned?” arises frequently in my life. If it’s a friend the question morphs to “you look fucked up.” 

“Your pupils are HUUUUGE.” 

So my drug cocktail is strong, but I need it to get through the day. 

I can deal with huge pupils but going into a panic over nothing just doesn’t fly with me. 

Sometimes I wish people would just stop pointing things out. 

Your Life is Sad When you Relate this much to TSwift.

I learned this in under an hour just to express myself. It explains my situation perfectly, unfortunately. Don’t judge it.
P.S. It’s a piano cover of Taylor Swift’s I Knew You were Trouble.

A Letter to a Big Fucking Douchebag

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Dear Travis,

Congratulations, you’ve won. You’ve successfully made two girls at the same time like you enough to really want to be in a relationship.

You’re hot, charming, and have a talent for deception….

but here are many reasons why FUCK YOU.

  1. I originally only wanted a casual sex relationship with you but you HAD to reel me in and make me like you.
  2. You constantly said “you’re all mine, right?”. YEAH DICK HEAD. I WAS ALL YOURS, BUT YOU SURE AS HELL WEREN’T ALL MINE.
  3. Your god damn obsession with body shots. Image
  4. Just your job in general.
  5. You added my mom on Facebook and TWO DAYS AGO told her that you and I would take a trip to visit her soon.
  6. You tell everyone about the time I threw up in your car.
  7. You told me how much you liked me, and I believed it.
  8. All the times we spent on my balcony. You made me accustomed to sitting on your lap and talking while you have a cigarette. I hate you for that. Image
  9. You left your smell on my bed.
  10. You left your bathing suit and a pair of underwear at my house.
  11. Your dick was so big that it hurt at first…but I’ll probably have no luck finding another one like it.
  12. You had me hoping that you would be MY boyfriend.
  13. Any time I doubted you, you asked me why I didn’t trust you and that you really liked me. Yeah, fuck you.
  14. You don’t let me get a word in when we’re in an argument
  15. When you don’t like something I say you ignore it.
  16. You’re immature, because you got into another relationship with someone after you called me LAST NIGHT and didn’t have the balls to tell me about it.
  17. She is gorgeous and seems really nice. You don’t deserve her.
  18. We seemed so perfect together.
  19. All my friends told me so.
  20. Your obsession with selfies and the fact that I caught you in my bathroom doing this Image
  21. Your perfect, soft kisses.
  22. The way you made it seem like I was special and you wanted to spend time with me.
  23. The number of times you lied to my face. “You’re the only one i’ve had any sexual contact with or interest in since I started hanging out with you.” Yeah right.
  24. You have a girlfriend, and it’s not me.
  25. All your promises/lies.
  26. The fact that you don’t even seem like you feel bad about hurting me so much.
  27. The sadness makes me want drugs and tequila.
  28. You made my life so much happier…
  29. ..and now this is what I look like. Image

That One Time I saw what “Normal” Looked like.

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I used to think the abnormality of my family was pretty normal. I mean, parents getting separated is pretty common, and I’m doing alright. I go to an awesome university and have friends and everything like that. I’m definitely no outcast of society. Maybe not everyone’s dad solicit sex online while their mom is going through chemo, but who cares. 

It also may not be totally normal to go to drug rehab at 16…but everyone has their quirks, right? 

That’s what I thought up until I met my boyfriend in my freshman year of college. 

His parents just threw down the 50 grand a year for his schooling. No scholarship, no financial aid, nothing. As I got to know him more and more, I began to realize that his family was a typical well-to-do American family, straight out of a movie. 

He was good looking, as was his entire family. He opened doors for me and always paid. “There must be something wrong with this guy,” I thought. 

There wasn’t. 

Every time he went home there were a plethora of happy looking family pictures posted all over Facebook. That was when I realized that I didn’t have a single family picture. 

My boyfriend was aghast any time I brought up a negative about my life. Separated parents? Drugs? Low on money? Shocking. 

This prompted me to stop telling him things like that. I became outwardly “normal”, and we were a perfect “normal” couple. 

He began to invite me to go to Philadelphia and meet his family, a thought that put knots in my stomach and brought me to the realization that I wasn’t quite being myself. 

There were so many levels that we didn’t connect on. I have to take pills to get to sleep every night, and the only thing he gets nervous about is passing his chemistry test so that he can eventually take over his dad’s successful business. 

He was an amazing boyfriend…such a sweetheart; but our relationship started falling apart toward the end of the school year when I wouldn’t agree to go meet his family. 

He broke up with me a few days before he moved back home for the summer. He felt like I was keeping things from him, and I was. 

I still look through his family pictures that are posted every now and then, but I think I’m happy that my life hasn’t been that normal. If it was, I wouldn’t be me. 

I’ll post later about why I started thinking about this. Good story. 

Sleeping Beauty

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A haunting and beautiful film, Sleeping Beauty is extremely symbolic and thought-provoking. For those of you who need something to think about- this is a great movie for you. 

SPOILER ALERT

Lucy is a beautiful girl with fair skin, going through the motions of life and working multiple jobs to make ends meet. 

She sees sex as a very casual thing, at one point stating that her “vagina is not a temple.” One night she even has men flip a coin to decide who will have sex with her and when. 

While she is not your typical damsel in distress who outwardly believes in true love, there are many parallels to the classic story of sleeping beauty. She is a woman who feels trapped and helpless, in need of her prince.

Lucy gets her hands on a job that she later realizes is sex work. Part of her job is to serve men in lingerie. The other part is to take sleep-inducing drugs so that men may do what they wish with her while she is asleep, and she will have no recollection of the events. Her employers called Lucy Sara. 

Although she is literally sleeping at her new job, it seems that she is sleeping throughout the entire story. She has no passions for her jobs, her schooling, or anyone in her life except for a close friend.

Her friend mentions that he once wished to kiss her. Perhaps that would have been the kiss from prince charming that would save her. However, he did not have the time. She asked him to marry her to which he agreed, but overdosed shortly after.

At his funeral she saw a man who she knew years ago. She asked him to marry her as well, but his response was not as favorable. He became enraged and explained that she had her chance years ago. “I can’t believe you. I don’t believe you. You don’t believe you.” 

There were three men who paid to be with her while she slept, all probably in their mid 60’s. Each were told that “there is no shame. No one can see you.” 

  • The first man only wanted to caress and lie next to Sara. Prior to Sara’s supervisor’s departure, he gave a thoughtful speech. He read a short story that read “rise up and walk, none of your bones are broken.” He said that he carried on beautifully. That he and his wife were the perfect couple, but he did not cherish her, his friends, or his children. His wife is now dead. That night he confided that  “I continued on, but with each step I cringed. Tonight, for the first time I say, my bones are broken. All of my bones are broken.”

     

  • The second man was vulgar and rough. His response to the request of no penetration was “The only way I can get a hard on is if I take a ton of Viagra and a beautiful woman sticks two fingers up my ass. I’m the one who needs to be penetrated.” He proceeded to lick Sara and burn her with a cigarette. 
  • Very little information was shared about the third man. The only thing he did was pick up Sara and toss her around. He got her on the floor, but then struggled to get her back on the bed. 

Sara became curious as to what went on while she slept. She begged to know, but her supervisor told her that she could not expose her clients. 

The first man came back and requested that he take the same drugs as Sara. Her supervisor gave him a lethal dose. Sara slept as the man died next to her. 

When the supervisor came back, the man was dead and she could not wake up Sara. She began to panic and gave Sara mouth to mouth- a kiss- which awoke her. 

When Sara awoke, she once again became Lucy. She began to scream and cry when she realized her surroundings. The one who’s kiss awoke her from her sleep was not prince charming, it was one who was whoring her out to an old, dead man. 

This stark realization finally brought emotion out of Lucy, which was not seen until this point in the movie. 

There was a ton of symbolism, foreshadowing, and of course, allusions in this film. Literature bugs, you’ll love it. 

Oops

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So I got in a car accident today…

I had never felt the real power of a car until I was hitting the breaks and felt the impact upon hitting the other car. 

I had never been in an accident before, thank god. As far as car accidents go, I got extremely lucky. Car accidents kill!

Thanking my lucky stars today….even though I’ve created a huge financial issue, I’m alive. 

A Timeline of My Experience with MDMA

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Molly is a trip…but it isn’t all fun and games. For those of you like myself who have panic disorder or GAD, proceed with caution. 

I’m not a fan of any drug that makes me hallucinate, but I decided to pop some molly for two days of Ultra Music Festival 2013. Here’s a recount of my experience for one of the days. 

Day 1: 

  • 11-11:30 a.m: I got on the metro to get to downtown Miami. Near the end of the ride my friend said “ok, let’s do it.” I put the rancid tasting chemicals in my mouth and chewed. 
  • 11:30- noon: In line waiting to get in to Ultra, wondering why I feel so normal. 
  • 12:00-1:00 p.m: “Are you rolling yet?” “I…I don’t think so…” 
  • 1:00-2:00 p.m: A DJ I like comes on and the light show is awesome. When I start dancing euphoria hits me like a ton of bricks. I can’t feel my feet but I know I’m dancing. 
  • 2:00-3:00: Walking through crowds and trying to figure out what to do next—panic sets in. 
  • 3:00-6:00: At the main stage. “I’m okay…I’m okay..” 
  • 6:00-8:00: Sun starts to go down but colors get brighter. The lights are more visible and I feel like I’m in heaven. 
  • 8:00-8:15: A round of hugs with my friends and exchanges of I love you’s” 
  • 8:15-8:30: A round of hugs with all the people around me and exchanges of “I love you’s” 
  • 8:30-8:50: Dancing. Alternating between not feeling my arms and not feeling my legs.
  • 8:30-8:31: “When was the last time I told my friends I loved them?” “….oh”
  • 8:31-8:32: “When was the last time I told the people around me I love them?” “…oh” 
  • 8:32-9:00: I started sharing my immense glowstick collection and made many friends along the way. It’s amazing how much happiness a glowstick can bring someone who is under the influence. 
  • 9:00-9:15: I give a girl a glowstick and she gives me a beaded bracelet. We hug and say we’ll remember each other and will keep each other’s gifts forever. 
  • 9:15-10:00: I leave the crowd and start throwing up rainbows. 
  • 10:00-10:20: I find a portapotty and go in. I then leave because it feels like a space ship that is taking off. 
  • 10:20-11:00: I feel better…but the show is starting to end. I look around and many of the people in the crowd are crying. I start crying a little as well. 
  • 11:00-12am: More crowds and the metro. Maximum anxiety levels. 
  • 12:00- 1:00 am: I’m home…throwing up some more, still hearing EDM and seeing crowds. 

The next day I did it all over again minus the vomiting. 

I never had an appreciation for EDM and I really only went to Ultra to tag along with my friends. 

After my drugged up stupor I now understand and like EDM. 

It was a crazy, scary, yet totally worth it experience. 

My Crew

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Ain’t nobody fresher than my mothafuckin clique. 

These are the people who keep me going. We call ourselves “Us”. There’s really no other way to describe us; we’re a package deal. We are us. 

From left to right: 

  • Steidl: The one I feel most comfortable sharing my stories of promiscuity with because she’s done so many of the same things. She’s graduated and back up north now, and on our last night out we all cried hysterically over a pitcher of beer at our favorite bar. What a shitshow. 
  • Lexi: My BFF. We’ve known each other since the sixth grade and I’ve lived with her for two years. Sometimes people aren’t sure if we’re best friends or in a relationship…but we don’t care. We love each other. Despite her occasional judging face, I tell her everything because I know it will spill eventually. We do everything together. 
  • I’m the one with the demon eyes in the center. 
  • Rebecca: I can always count on her to look out for me and my best interest. She has the ultimate bitch face and we all love her for it. I love her little Hispanic quirks like when she says “Let’s get down from the car.” Another great part of Rebecca is that she found herself sleeping in the Freshman dorms as a Senior. 
  • Alex: The token hot asian betch. I always go to her with my boy problems, and really anything that I would normally keep from others. She has a boyfriend who we all love. They’re inseparable and it’s great. She sometimes disappears at night but we’re all convinced that she’s smoked too much weed and lost her phone. 
  • Not pictured- Hannah: I know her the least but she’s my awesome jappy friend. She would be between me and Lexi in this photo (yes, we ordered ourselves by hair color deal with it). 

I’ve met other amazing friends in college but these are my ride or die bitches: my crew. Mess with one and you mess with all. Have sex with one and we’ll all know how big your dick is….sorry.